Minions Defined

I have quite a few minions. The number varies from month to month and from operation to operation. Naturally, there are varying levels of minion. Over my long and despicable career, I've come to realize that minions belong to one of three classes.

The bottom of the barrel and the most plentiful is your "Mook". The mook is a nameless soldier/worker/monkey/zombie that is basically cannon fodder. Your average do-gooder can drop them with a mean look. Mentally, they are somewhat equivalent to plankton, but probably have fewer social skills. I am not knocking them... actually, yes I am.

Mooks are idiots, but they have their uses. Nothing can beat the feeling of thousands of identically uniformed troops standing under your podium just gushing with enthusiasm before you send them to their quick and bloody deaths. No large criminal enterprise can survive without a fair number of mooks. They are the semi-retarded oil that keeps the gears turning. Who is going to load the trucks, gas up the jetpacks, mop the floors, change the light bulbs, etc? Mooks are perfect for that.

Commonly known mooks? Soldiers, guards, drivers, maintenance personnel, ninjas, etc. Yes, ninjas. Master martial artists? Please, spare me that drivel. I've crapped better martial artists than most of those guys. Sure, there are some fairly competent ninjas, but 99% of them are mooks.

The next class of minion is the "Henchman". I refer to both men and women as henchmen. These are the mooks that have somehow survived a few fights and have displayed an aptitude of some sort or, more commonly, someone of talent that I've recruited. These are combat specialists (master swordsmen, gun slingers, snipers, martial artists) or people of some great skill or ability (psionics, magicians, superpowers, etc.) A few are just your basic, all-around competent types.

The Henchmen generally have names or at least a title that I'm aware of. Henchman can and should command the mooks.

The final class of minion is the least common and most dangerous - the "Lieutenant" or "Boss". These are the creme de la creme of villainous minions. These evil cutthroats give even the bravest do-gooders pause and generally have a reputation that causes the common man to foul his pants. Henchmen look on the Lieutenant as someone to fear and obey. The Lieutenant is capable of running his own schemes and often does.

The Lieutenants obviously command the henchmen and mooks. The drawback to Lieutenants is that sometimes the very trait that makes them so capable also makes them troublesome. They are power hungry and ruthless, which is just fine when they are being power hungry and ruthless on your behalf. However, they often decide that you, their lord and master, have become weak and that they can take your place.

That ambition is not a bad thing. Knowing they will make a play eventually allows you to keep an eye out for it. The trick is being able to totally derail their plan and leave them at your mercy without totally breaking their spirit. I find that a Lieutenant that's been put in his place once or twice is generally at the height of their usefullness to me. After that it is either time to let them move on to becoming a mastermind or put them out of my misery.

So this post if for you, Savango Rotten. Your time as a lieutenant of mine was memorable and while I really enjoyed your skills with a blade, but ultimately you didn't have the ability to strike out on your own. Instead, you made that silly ploy to assassinate me with some of your henchmen. Attempt number four was it?

If it makes you feel better, my new senior lieutenant Mongo (yes, you've been replaced by cyborg gorilla) ate some of your innards in celebration and got a bit of a tummy ache. He laughed uproariously when I said, "Everyone knows you shouldn't eat Rotten meat." Excuse me while I give an evil chuckle.